At the End of the Day
From the Archives
This post was originally published on my former blog, Glance Through the Lens, on February 12, 2017. When I was combing through GTL I was surprised to see this post. I thought these words were safely tucked away in a journal, kept hidden for just me and the Lord. It’s a memory I hold close. It’s one of the moments I’ve heard God the clearest, and I think that’s what makes it worth sharing. Knock, and He will speak. Seek, and you will find.
And for the record: He did wake me up the next morning.
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago in the middle of some of the strangest, hardest, most incredible hours of my life. Backstory: I had been struggling over a week-and-a-half period of being pummeled by the enemy in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I couldn’t go two steps without him chucking me ten steps back. Things were continually going wrong – some things were out of my control, some were my fault, but instead of me accepting the mistake and moving forward, the enemy rubbed it in my face, making me feel like a complete failure. It finally came to head this night, where I felt so incredibly weary and inadequate. Every doubt he has whispered in my mind for the past several months became shouts…I almost couldn’t make it to my chair without collapsing on the floor.
Finally the Lord said, “What are you doing? Stop fighting and come to me!”
And then ensued some of the sweetest, most powerful moments my Father and I have ever shared together. Every passage of Scripture referenced that you read was placed on my heart and before my eyes by God Himself. Some verses are very familiar, some He revealed just by me turning “random” pages. What I read wasn’t just words on a page – it was the Lord speaking truth to me in my time of need. (Which is what Scripture always has been, right? Sometimes we forget that this is a letter directly mailed to our hearts. A message for people of all time that still carries weight and truth and power for us today. The Almighty God speaks through the Book in your hand.)
I want you to read this and hope you understand something: this is the kind of God we serve. Somewhere along the way, repeatedly, we get a skewed idea of who God is. But this is Him. The promises in His word, about disciplining His children, wiping our tears, blessing us in our sleep (Ps. 127:2), speaking hard, but good truth – He keeps those promises. It’s impossible for Him not to. So I pray this post changes your mind about who He is or reaffirms the confidence and love you already have for Him. I can tell you one thing: I’ll never see Him the same way again.
“Nope. Don’t even leave them out. I don’t want you to see them. Time to close up shop.”
I put away my books and turned my monitor to block any visual of them. Before I even hit the chair, tears are streaming down my face. My heart feels like someone stepped on it then kicked it in the side for good measure.
“Lord, please help me,” I whisper in between sobs.
I just got out of a conversation with someone and feel one thing: inadequate. Incapable. Unreliable. I feel like a helpless infant who can’t think or act the way a 22-year-old should be able to.
And then he pounces.
The lion who’s been creeping through the grass all week. Pouncing whenever he sees a fit opportunity.
“You can’t do this,” he snarls.
And he spits in my face. He mocks all the work that’s been done. He hides the things I need in a moment, like a tripod plate, a working computer, the audio for an interview. He gives me tunnel vision so the only thing in sight is this: my failures. My insufficiencies. My forgetfulness. My weariness. *Click* He shines a spotlight on them.
But this is what He sees. This is what my God sees:
“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:7-10)
I’m not the greatest writer. I’m not as independent as I’d like to think I am. I’m bad with technology. I’m not always a fan of my body. I am clumsy. I can’t run as fast as I want. I’m sometimes overly emotional. I probably drink too many milkshakes. I react out of fear more times than I’d dare admit.
But here’s what I also am. I am a hard worker. I pursue holiness, righteousness, justice, selflessness. I love well. I write well. I make people laugh. I love the Lord…so, so much. And it shows.
I have the same power that rose Jesus back from the dead living inside me. Jesus weeps with me because He too has been tormented by the devil. But He does not fear him. My enemy is the snake that will one day be permanently and forever crushed beneath my King’s feet.
I have allowed the lion to prowl in my fields. That is a weakness that can only be fixed by the power of the Holy Spirit and Truth hidden in my heart. The lion has built a fortress and it must be knocked down. I must “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:3-6).
Jesus was obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross (Phil. 2:1-13). How far will my obedience go? Will I only be obedient when it’s convenient? I must take Sabbath. I must rest. I must hide His word in my heart and meditate on it continually. I can’t afford to miss time with Him. I need Him…so desperately.
Bring life to my mortal body, Lord (Rom. 8:11). Give me peace that surpasses all comprehension. You are faithful.
“Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; abide in my love.” (John 15:9)
You love me, Father. Jesus, my King. Spirit, You intercede for me. What a gift – to be loved and cared for by a Trinity my mind cannot understand but wholly welcomes, believes and worships.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)
What can mere man do to me? (Psalm 118:6) The most terrifying Being is 100% on my side. For me. Who shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? I will trust in You.
“The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing.” (Phil. 4:5-6)
“And lo, I am with You always, even to the end of the age.” (Matt. 28:20)
“Those who trust in the Lord are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people from this time forth and forever.” (Ps. 125:1-2)
“Turn off the light. Wind down. Rest, oh weary one.”
There remains a somberness. A seriousness. A weariness. A face tight from trying to sob silently. But there is also calm… the slight breeze after a storm.
There is hope.
“For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.” (Deut. 20:4)
“Don’t worry about the mess. Throw the clothes to the side. Crawl into your bed. Heat your shoulders. Let your feet rest.”
“Lord…I’m so sorry. I should’ve come to You sooner.”
“You need me. And I want you.”
“I love You….anything else you want to show me?”
Tears glisten as I read the passage I “randomly” flip to. It’s one I’ve never read before:
“For thus says the Lord to me, as the lion or the young lion growls over his prey, against which a band of shepherds is called out, and he will not be terrified at their voice nor disturbed at their noise, so will the Lord of hosts come down to wage war on Mount Zion and on its hill. Like flying birds so the Lord of hosts will protect and deliver it; He will pass over and rescue it.” (Isaiah 31:4-5)
“I have rescued you. Please don’t forget.”
“But I will. You know I will.”
“I know. Let me give to you in your sleep. Don’t worry about that third alarm you forgot to set. I’ll wake you up. Rest, little one.”
When the Almighty tucks you in…there is no doubt of how loved You are.
And that night, I had the best sleep I’d had in weeks.
